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This isn’t the Democratic party of our fathers and grandfathers. This is the party of Woodstock hippies. I was at Woodstock — I built the stage. And when everything fell apart, and people were fighting for peanut-butter sandwiches, it was the National Guard who came in and saved the same people who were protesting them. So when Hillary Clinton a few years ago wanted to build a Woodstock memorial, I said it should be a statue of a National Guardsman feeding a crying hippie.
Speech: Scott Brown rally (2010)
Laughter is to life what shock absorbers are to automobiles. It won’t take the potholes out of the road, but it sure makes the ride smoother.
The first lesson losing one’s virginity should teach is to have a sense of humor about sex. It is entirely too much to ask that something that feels so good should also be aesthetically pleasing.
If you wanna fight, do it on your own time, in a parking lot or somewhere. Not in a school, surrounded by books.
TV: Eastbound and Down
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.
Like Socrates said, “The male libido is like being chained to a madman.” And I suppose the fire of that insanity is this limp fleshy phallus, dragging us through life.
Article: AV Club Interview - http://www.avclub.com/articles/russell-brand,25065/
Being hung over is like winning the lottery, except they pay you in regret!
Comic: http://www.qwantz.com/archive/001055.html
To a child, nothing seemed more stupid in adults than their inability to come to grips with the fact that people grew. Unfathomably moronic seemed the aunt or grandpapa who exclaimed “You have grown!” at each reunion.
Book: The Confusion
I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life.
Comic: Calvin and Hobbes
Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California. …there’s a perfectly ordinary English sentence. How did that happen! You know how that happened? ‘Cause I’ll tell you. You know how we got into that position? He got there - by lifting things. Now you and me, we avoid lifting things. It’s unpleasant. Especially heavy things. Even a five-year-old child knows this. […] You know, you lift something when you have to. Piano falls on Granny, you lift the piano. ‘Cause Granny has mixed feelings about the whole situation. Sunday lunch continues. He didn’t do any of that! He went right over to the heavy thing and lifted it and put it back down and didn’t move it anywhere. And then he lifted it again, hundreds of times. And said, to the people who had stopped to observe this abhorrent behaviour: “Look how good I am, at lifting the heavy thing. In my underpants.” Now *that* sounds a little dim. But it was *they* who said: “You are the man. You’re the one we want to deal with immigration and water rates and taxes and all that kind of shit.”
Like, Totally… Dylan Moran Live
You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he’s cute one minute, the next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says “I’d like you to meet Cecil,” we shout, “You’re late again with the child support!”
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5’7”, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
A: How many people with ADD does it take to change a light-bulb?
B: I don’t know? How many?
A: Want to go to the movies?
B: I don’t know? How many?
A: Want to go to the movies?
Your computer has too much computer in it and not enough typewriter.
Belonging to a party like Democratic or Republican is awesome. Usually when you give yourself a label you actually have to *do* something. If you only took a one-hour jog every four years you couldn’t call yourself a runner.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
I don’t have a bank account, because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.
Humor must not professedly teach, and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
I think that a sense of humour is a healing quality in every culture. When there is a total absence of humour, we have Nazism. Hitler was unable to laugh. It’s not only a European problem. I think that there is in humour, in a serious practice of humour, a religious effect. We are small creatures, we need not take ourselves too seriously.
Book: States of Mind - Dialogues with contemporary thinkers
What do you know about your potential, anyway. Leave it alone. Don’t touch it, you’ll fuck it up. It’s potential, don’t go near it! […] You don’t wanna know that you have fuck-all potential. That the most you could do if you gave it everything, if you gave it every single screed of energy within you, if you harvested every iota of will that you possess, that the *most* you could achieve would be to maybe - *maybe* - eat less cheesy snacks.
TV: Monster
The SCO lawsuit was inevitable: Everyone knows that you su to get control of Linux.
I feel like someone opened up my skull and gave skittles to my brain!
Remember, the Capitalists will sell you the rope you use to hang yourself. We’re Communists, we’ll give it to you for free.
TV: X-Play
Outside of a dog, books are man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
Ah, screw it. But I am not Kirk, Spock, Luke, Buck, Flash or Arthur frelling Dent. I’m Dorothy Gale from Kansas.
TV: Farscape
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
My girlfriend always laughs during sex–no matter what she’s reading.
If you take sexual advantage of her, you’re going to burn in a special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
TV: Firefly
Do you want to know why I am alive today?
I will tell you.
Early on, during the food-shortage,
Some of us were miraculously presented
Each with a goose that laid a golden egg.
Myself, I killed the cackling thing and I ate it.
Alas, many and many of the other recipients
Died of gold-dust poisoning.
I will tell you.
Early on, during the food-shortage,
Some of us were miraculously presented
Each with a goose that laid a golden egg.
Myself, I killed the cackling thing and I ate it.
Alas, many and many of the other recipients
Died of gold-dust poisoning.
Book: “All the Poems by Muriel Spark”, The Goose
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
“Let me get this straight,” one student said. “You’re telling me that if I say something out loud, it’s me saying it, but if I write the exact same thing on paper, it’s somebody else, right?”
“Yes,” I said. “And we’re calling that fiction.”
The student pulled out his notebook, wrote something down, and handed me a sheet of paper that read, “That’s the stupidest fucking thing I ever heard in my life.”
They were a smart group.
“Yes,” I said. “And we’re calling that fiction.”
The student pulled out his notebook, wrote something down, and handed me a sheet of paper that read, “That’s the stupidest fucking thing I ever heard in my life.”
They were a smart group.
Book: Me Talk Pretty One Day
Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
Vincent van Gogh war ein holländischer Maler
Er schnitt sich ab sein linkes Ohr
Das kommt bei Künstlern manchmal vor
Wären alle wie van Gogh
Dann hätten wir ein großes Loch
In der Mitte der Gesellschaft
Dann hätten alle nur ein Ohr
Dann wären alle im Radio
Und keiner säße mehr davor.
Er schnitt sich ab sein linkes Ohr
Das kommt bei Künstlern manchmal vor
Wären alle wie van Gogh
Dann hätten wir ein großes Loch
In der Mitte der Gesellschaft
Dann hätten alle nur ein Ohr
Dann wären alle im Radio
Und keiner säße mehr davor.
Song: Mittelmäßiger Klaus
“No,” he said, “look, it’s very, very simple … all I want … is a cup of tea. You are going to make one for me. Keep quiet and listen.”
And he sat. He told the Nutri-Matic about India, he told it about China, he told it about Ceylon. He told it about broad leaves drying in the sun. He told it about silver teapots. He told it about summer afternoons on the lawn. He told it about putting in the milk before the tea so it wouldn’t get scalded. He even told it (briefly) about the history of the East India Company.
“So that’s it, is it?” said the Nutri-Matic when he had finished.
“Yes,” said Arthur, “that is what I want.”
“You want the taste of dried leaves in boiled water?”
“Er, yes. With milk.”
“Squirted out of a cow?”
“Well, in a manner of speaking I suppose …”
And he sat. He told the Nutri-Matic about India, he told it about China, he told it about Ceylon. He told it about broad leaves drying in the sun. He told it about silver teapots. He told it about summer afternoons on the lawn. He told it about putting in the milk before the tea so it wouldn’t get scalded. He even told it (briefly) about the history of the East India Company.
“So that’s it, is it?” said the Nutri-Matic when he had finished.
“Yes,” said Arthur, “that is what I want.”
“You want the taste of dried leaves in boiled water?”
“Er, yes. With milk.”
“Squirted out of a cow?”
“Well, in a manner of speaking I suppose …”
Book: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
A good showerhead and my right hand,
the two best lovers that I ever had.
Now if you find you agree with what I just said,
you’d better find a new love and let ‘em into your head.
the two best lovers that I ever had.
Now if you find you agree with what I just said,
you’d better find a new love and let ‘em into your head.
Song: Into the Woods
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.
Now, a lot of people say athletes getting away with crime sends the wrong message to our children. Children who naturally love to break rules, now have another reason to idolize these monsters of the midway. I say we should harness their thirst for mayhem to steer them toward the fields we want our children to excel in. Wanna raise math and science scores? Fine! Let scientists and mathematicians commit random acts of violence without repurcussions. That way kids will want to be like them.
TV: The Colbert Réport: 2 Feb 2006
You see, I don’t believe that libraries should be drab places where people sit in silence, and that’s been the main reason for our policy of employing wild animals as librarians.
Movie: Monty Python’s Flying Circus
Mary Kay is one of the secret masters of the world: a librarian. They control information. Don’t ever piss one off.
Book: The Callahan Touch - Spider Robinson
I do note with interest that old women in my books become young women on the covers… this is discrimination against the chronologically gifted.
Personally, I think the best motto for an educational establishment is: “Or Would You Rather Be a Mule?”
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB’s, given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren’t likely to argue about bedtime.
Nathaniel Lee reputedly declared: “They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me.”
I know the pope’s infallible, but that doesn’t mean he can’t make mistakes.
Veronica: You’re not a rebel, you’re fucking psychotic!
Jason: You say tomato, I say tomahto.
Jason: You say tomato, I say tomahto.
Movie: Heathers
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